Funhouse Slide Into Madness
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: After a fairly disturbing dream where he loses his mind, Bruce Wayne decides to take a break from being Batman, leaving Robin in charge of defending Gotham. The Joker is not pleased, and goes to extreme measures to get his nemesis back.
1. Chapter 1

**Funhouse Slide Into Madness**

"Get offa me!"

"Stop hitting Mr. J, Red!"

"Don't touch me, you disgusting creep!"

"Are we there yet, Bats?"

Batman pulled the car over and snapped, "Get in the backseat, Robin."

Robin stared at him, incredulous. "What?" he gasped.

"Get in the backseat," repeated Batman, standing up and going around to the backdoor. He ripped the Joker out of the backseat and brought him round to the front, with Harley Quinn shrieking in protest.

"Mr. J!" she sobbed, reaching out to him as Robin reluctantly vacated the front seat and Batman shoved Joker into it. Robin tentatively climbed into the backseat next to Harley and Poison Ivy, who glared at him as Batman resumed the drive.

"You need to keep your distance. I don't like boys, Boy Wonder," Ivy growled.

"Yeah, I've heard that rumor!" laughed Joker. "Glad you can finally admit you bat for the other team, Pammie. It's a big step toward happiness."

"Too bad some of us are still in the closet!" snapped back Ivy.

"Mr. J ain't in no closet!" retorted Harley. "He's all man, and he's really into his Harley girl, ain't ya, Mr. J?" she breathed, wrapping her arms around the front seat.

"You know I'm a one woman loon, pumpkin," he replied, patting her hand. "Stop choking Daddy now – there's a time and a place for that kinda behavior. We wouldn't wanna make Bats jealous, lonely, single freak that he is. Well, the Boy Toy Blunder always excepted, of course!" he giggled.

Batman's hands tightened on the wheel but he said nothing, staring straight ahead. Sometimes he felt like a glorified babysitter responsible for the care of the world's most evil, psychotic children. That's what these people were – children who saw murder and mayhem as some sick game, something that didn't really mean anything, that was just pretend. But at least children could be taught, unlike these lunatics.

"I said keep your distance, Birdie Boy!" snarled Ivy, shoving him back.

"I haven't moved!" shouted Robin.

"Yeah, that's the problem!" she retorted. "Back off!" She shoved him again, so that he knocked against Harley.

"Hey! Hands off Mr. J's merchandise!" snapped Harley, shoving him back.

"Now play nice, kiddies!" chuckled Joker, turning around. "You wouldn't want your mother and me to have to pull the car over and spank you, would you?"

"I would, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, beaming in delight. "I think your little girl deserves a real hard spanking, my big, bad, strong lover, for getting caught by Batsy. What do you think, puddin'?" she breathed, wrapping her arms around him again and licking his cheek. "Wanna rev up your Harley a little?"

"That's disgusting," said Robin, making a face.

"It's true love, ya jerk!" snapped Harley, glaring at him. "Sorry you're too young to understand!"

"No, it is just objectively disgusting," agreed Ivy. "And when you're older, kid, you'll just be even more disgusted by it."

"Somebody's jealous, Pammie!" giggled Joker. "Well, I don't blame you. I'm quite the catch. And I imagine any warm body must seem pretty appealing to you after having to settle for plants for so long, huh?"

"I can have anyone I want, whenever I want, however I want," growled Ivy.

"Not me," retorted Joker, grinning.

"I would never want you," retorted Ivy. "I'd have to be out of my mind."

"Yeah, I am kinda mad for him," sighed Harley, adoringly. "But he just drives me crazy, doncha, puddin'?" she cooed, ruffling his hair.

"I told you, baby, not in front of Bats," he chuckled. "It's cruel, and I ain't a cruel guy. You and Kitty have had another falling out, so I hear," he said, grinning at Batman. "Kinda funny, isn't it, Bats, that you can't hold down a stable relationship even though you're meant to be a stable kinda guy? While Harley and me are in a real committed relationship, ain't we, baby?" he giggled.

She giggled too, planting kisses on his face. "Robin, restrain her," snapped Batman.

"What?" repeated Robin.

"You heard me," retorted Batman.

Robin sighed, and grabbed Harley's arm, dragging her back. "Don't touch me, ya little brat!" she shrieked, slapping him away.

"I said stay away!" shouted Ivy, shoving Robin again.

"Stop pushing me then!" snapped Robin.

"You started it!"

"I did not!"

"I saw it, Red, he did start it."

"You're crazy, but I guess that's obvious."

"You watch your mouth, Birdie Boy! Mr. J, the Bird called me crazy! You're gonna punish him, right?"

"Him and the rest of the world, baby, just as soon as we bust outta Arkham. Cause you know that's what's gonna happen when you take us back, right, Bats?" Joker said, grinning at Batman. "You know we're just gonna break out and do it all again? I never get sick of the game, but then I am kinda a fun guy. Surprised you haven't got sick of it, though. Surprised you haven't just wanted to end it. It would be so easy, too. All ya gotta do is snap."

Batman didn't respond, tightening his grip on the steering wheel again. He gritted his teeth and tried to ignore Joker's voice. For some reason it was really getting to him today.

"Mr. J, he's touching me again!"

"I am not!

"Just get off!"

"I said stop pushing me!"

Batman slammed suddenly on the brakes, sending everyone jolting forward. "All right, listen to me!" he shouted, in a voice none of the villains had ever heard before, and Robin had heard only rarely. "Everyone is going to stop talking right now! If I hear another sound out of any of you for the rest of the ride, you will be arriving at Arkham unconscious and in need of an urgent trip to the nurse's office! Do I make myself clear?!"

Everyone just stared at him, stunned. Then the three in the backseat nodded vigorously. Batman glared at Joker, who grinned back at him. "Yes, Mommy," he chuckled.

Harley giggled again, but shrieked suddenly when Batman grabbed Joker by the back of the head and slammed his face into the glove compartment. Then he resumed his driving.

Joker leaned backward, pinching his nose and trying to stem the blood flow. "Can't you take a joke, Bats?" he muttered.

He was still bleeding when they arrived at Arkham Asylum, and Batman handed them over to the guards without a word. He turned and strode from the building with Joker staring after him. Then he chuckled as he was dragged off down the hall. "I think it's finally happened," he giggled to himself. "I think I broke his brain."


	2. Chapter 2

"What was all that back there, Bruce?" asked Robin, as they drove back to Wayne Manor.

"I just got sick of the noise," muttered Batman. "Constant noise, constant chaos, constant fighting…"

He trailed off, focusing back on the road. "Is there anything you wanna talk about?" asked Robin, gently. "Did something go wrong with Selina last night?"

Batman sighed. "No, dinner was…fine. We were gonna have a drink afterward but then…then I got the call-out to chase down those lunatics and…well…Selina isn't as understanding as she could be. I can't say I blame her. Most women wouldn't like their dates to be constantly cut short by murdering maniacs."

"I probably could have handled them," said Robin. "You know I've been asking you to give me a chance to prove myself, Bruce. Then maybe you could take some time off, y'know, maybe try to scratch out some form of a personal life. I think I'm ready. Why won't you trust me?"

"It's not about trust, Dick," sighed Batman. "It's about…"

How could he explain it to Dick? He was still a kid in a lotta ways, and Bruce didn't really understand what he was going through himself. He thought he was falling in love with Selina. On the one hand, he was delighted to be feeling this way about her. On the other, he was worried that it would make him apathetic towards Batman. And he was also worried about the opposite – what if he didn't really think Selina was worth sacrificing Batman for? Or what if, without Batman, he wouldn't feel truly needed? Could Selina replace the need for Batman within him? And did he want her to? If only there was some way to compromise, some way to stop needing to be Batman. If only they would stop, Joker and Ivy and everyone else. If only they would leave him alone, leave him in peace, free to live and make his own choices, like every other man. If only he wasn't needed by a city anymore, so he could be needed by a woman. But it seemed like it had to be one or the other. And he didn't feel like he had a choice now, much as he wanted one.

Unless he let Dick try going solo for a bit. But that could be incredibly dangerous, both for Dick and for Gotham. Dick could fail. But it was almost worse for him to think about the opposite. What if Dick was a success? What if he could replace him as Batman? What if Bruce Wayne wasn't needed to be Batman anymore? Could he truly move on from it and find happiness? And did he really want to?

He shook his head slowly. "It's not about trust," he repeated. "It's about too many risks. Too many questions I don't want to deal with right now."

"C'mon, Bruce, talk to me," said Robin, softly. "Tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing, Dick," murmured Batman. "Nothing important."

"Successful night, sir?" asked Alfred, as they pulled up in the Batcave.

"Yes," retorted Batman. "Joker, Harley Quinn, and Poison Ivy are all locked up in Arkham again."

"Yeah. We might have at least 24 hours before they break out again," laughed Robin.

He had meant it to be a joke, but the look Batman gave him made him instantly regret it. Batman said nothing, but turned and walked away, up the stairs into the manor.

"Is he quite well?" asked Alfred.

Robin shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine," he sighed. "But hey, he's Batman. He's always ok, right?"

"He is also Bruce Wayne," murmured Alfred, gazing after him. "I hope he still remembers that."


	3. Chapter 3

_He had a gun in his hand. He felt the handle, firm and strong and smooth, and tightened his fingers around it in resolution as he opened the doors to the Asylum. He strode past the guards into the cell block – they knew him and trusted him. That was to his advantage. They wouldn't be prepared for it. No one would see this coming. But it had to be done. It was the only way. The only way to stop the madness. _

_ The first cell he arrived at was Jonathan Crane's. The man looked up at him, unafraid. Fear was Crane's speciality, and how brightly it shone in his eyes as he raised the gun and fired a bullet into his head. Just one single bullet, and the madness was over. The fear was over. No one would ever be afraid of the Scarecrow again._

_ Opposite him was Jervis Tetch, the Mad Hatter. A dangerous mind, dangerous and now dead, as he fired another bullet into his brain. Speaking of dangerous minds, there was Edward Nygma, the Riddler. He had told his last riddle. How simple, how easy it had all been in the end. No more games and riddles, no more challenges, no more fighting. Death was the only way to peace. They would all be at peace now. And so would he._

_ Two bullets for Two-Face – that was only right. That was how he would have wanted it. It was the least he could have done for Harvey. Well, Harvey Dent had died the day he had become the monster. Harvey, the real Harvey, would have preferred death to living as that creature. He was doing him a favor, something he should have done for his friend a long time ago. How simple, and how right it all was in the end. He didn't know why he had resisted it for so long. As he saw the blood pool at his feet, he had never felt more calm or more certain in his life. He had been wrong for so long, but now, at last, he was making everything right. _

_ This wasn't evil. It was wonderful. And it was easy. So easy. All the fighting and all the struggling, all the self-denial and sacrifice, when the solution had been there all along. He had been too blind, too pig-headed to see it, too self-righteous and moralistic and silly. This wasn't evil. This was freedom. Release. Mercy. Bliss. All the pain and suffering and fighting over. Over forever._

_ Poison Ivy tried to fight back – silly woman obviously hadn't realized that death was the answer, and the salvation. The end to struggle and chaos, at last, at long last. He was doing her a favor, riddling her body with bullets, even as she screamed in pain, even as the blood poured from her like rain from the flowerbeds. There was no need to fight anymore. He had saved her from pain and suffering and madness. Just as he had saved himself._

_ There was one final cell at the end, and he kicked open the door. There was the clown, smiling at him. His smile grew as he saw the gun, and he laughed, one of his maddening, aggravating laughs, as he held open his arms. "C'mon, Bats," he whispered, grinning. "Do it. You've been wanting to for a long time. Give in to the madness now. You've finally seen what I've seen all along, haven't you? That life is madness, chaos, pain, fear, misery, some sick joke. Nothing to laugh at. While death…death is a far more pleasant joke. To live, you gotta be mad. And you are mad now, aren't you? You've joined us at last. So save me from the madness, and embrace it yourself. C'mon, Bats. Do it."_

_ He raised his gun and aimed it as his grinning, mocking face. "Mr. J!" shrieked Harley Quinn, rushing into the room and throwing herself in front of the Joker, glaring back at him. "You ain't gonna hurt him!" she shrieked. "You gotta kill me first!"_

_ Easily done. Three bullets to the chest, and she fell, without a scream, with only a single gasp. The clown caught her body and she gazed up at him in adoration. "M…Mistah J," she breathed, lifting her hand to his face._

_"Three slugs, you're out, kid," he whispered, grinning. She choked out a laugh, and then she was gone. Then she was at peace. He lay her little body gently on the cell floor and then laughed hysterically. He stood back up, facing him, still laughing. Blood covered his body and he threw out his arms again. "C'mon, Bats!" he repeated. "Don't tease me like this! Just kill me! You know you want to! I knew you'd snap one day, and I'm glad I lived to see it! But now I ain't got nothing else to live for, so you might as well do it! Life won't be any fun now that you've lost your mind – what other villain could possibly compete with Batman? Y'see, Bats, the only way to stop us, the only way you were ever gonna stop us, was to become us. And now you have. You've become the punchline to your own joke. Ain't that a great gag, Bats? Don't it make you wanna laugh?"_

_ And he laughed maniacally, that horrible, hysterical, mocking laugh. He raised his gun again and shot the smile off that grinning, leering face. He kept firing, but he kept laughing. "Stop it!" he shrieked as he shot him again and again. "Stop laughing at me! Stop laughing! Stop! Stop! Stop!"_

Bruce Wayne awoke from the dream with the laughter still ringing in his ears. He sat up with a start, sweat pouring off him. It had been a nightmare, a terrible nightmare, but it had all seemed too incredibly real. His hands were shaking as he leaned back, staring at the ceiling and trying to steady his breathing.

The dream had been terrifying not just for the things he had done in it, but for the way he had felt. He had felt that all he had done was right and justified. And he realized with a shiver of fear how easily the dream could come true, how little it would take to push him over the edge with the way he was feeling right now. There was nothing else for it. He would have to give up being Batman.

For a short time only, he assured himself, rising from bed and pulling on his robe. Dick could handle things – he would have to. Bruce was going to take a vacation, a long vacation, with Selina, if she wanted to come, away from Gotham. Away from the night and the shadows, away from the murderers and the lunatics, away from Batman. For the sake of his own sanity, Gotham would have to find another babysitter.

He left his room and went down the stairs to his study, flicking on the lightswitch and staring at the potrait of his parents. He had done so much in their name, in Gotham's name. He needed to do something for himself now, however briefly. Something to keep him sane. Some small taste of happiness. And then, if he had to, he would condemn himself to being Batman for the rest of his life. But he had to do this. He had to be selfish. Just once.

"Sir?" came Alfred's voice. Bruce turned to see him standing behind him, puzzled. "I saw the light – I thought you were asleep."

"I…had a nightmare," murmured Bruce. "But it's over. For now," he whispered, shutting the door. "Alfred, I've reached a decision," he said, turning to him. "I'm going on a vacation. I need it, I…I don't think I realized how much I need it. I've let Batman rule my life for so long that I think I almost forgot what living was like. Selina…Selina makes me remember. Is it wrong of me to want that? Is it wrong of me to want to be…happy?"

Alfred smiled softly at him. "No, sir," he murmured. "It is not."

"Dick can handle things while I'm away, can't he?"

"I'm sure he'd be honored, Master Bruce," said Alfred, nodding. "And may I just say, sir, that I personally believe it is the best decision you could have made."

"It's the only decision I could have made, the way things are," sighed Bruce. "As usual. My life has never seemed a choice, Alfred."

Alfred lay a hand on his shoulder. "But it is, sir," he murmured. "You must remember that. Your life is your choice. Batman does not need to be a part of that. I hope this vacation will help you see that."

Bruce nodded slowly. "I hope so too," he whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

Robin stood on the rooftop, studying the Gotham skyline through a pair of binoculars. "Little quiet tonight," he murmured to himself. "Not good."

It was his first night out on his own, and he didn't like the apparent lack of crime. It was like the calm before the storm – it could only mean that something big was about to go down. He'd be lying if he didn't admit to himself that he was nervous about the responsibility Bruce had placed on him, but he had been yearning for it for a long time. He was anxious, but he reassured himself that he was ready for this. He had spent years training for it, after all, and he felt prepared for pretty much anything the city could throw at him. He knew all of these criminals and their tricks like the back of his hand, just as Bruce did. He just had to be confident, but not overconfident. He knew that was a weakness of his, but to be fair to himself, he thought, it was one of his few weaknesses.

An explosion in the east of the city startled him out of his thoughts. "Bingo," he murmured, putting down the binoculars and leaping into action. "And here we go."

He arrived at the scene to see a purple car speeding away from the area. "Great, Joker," he muttered. "Couldn't start me off with an easy one," he sighed, racing across the rooftops after the car. He got in front of it and then jumped, landing on the hood of the car as it screeched to a halt.

"Uh oh, a little birdie has flown into my windscreen!" chuckled Joker, opening the door and climbing out. "They're really stupid animals when you get right down to it, probably dumber than bats. Speaking of which, where is the Dork Knight? He's usually the guy who lands on top of me – I wouldn't want him to get jealous."

Robin sighed. Joker always talked too much. Fortunately, unlike Batman, Robin could give as good as he got.

"Batman's left me to deal with you freaks," he replied. "Guess he got bored of the same old routine. You know the key to a lasting relationship is spontaneity."

"You can't tell me Bats has complained about the lack of spontaneity?" chuckled Joker. "I'll have to try harder to get the spark back – maybe blowing up a couple more buildings will do the trick!" he giggled. "But the problem of what I'm going to do with the bird who flew into my windscreen remains. I hate to leave a wounded animal just lying around. Better take it somewhere to dispose of it, huh, Harl?"

A jolt of anxiety shot through Robin. He hadn't been expecting Quinn. Where was…

A blow to the back of his head answered his question. "You're such a thoughtful, humane guy, Mr. J!" sighed Harley's adoring voice as she beat Robin over the head with her hammer again. "Wanting to put the little birdie out of its misery like that."

"And high time too," agreed Joker. "He's been lame for far too long!"

He laughed hysterically as Harley clobbered Robin again, knocking him to the ground. Another blow knocked him unconscious.

"So whaddya wanna do with him, Mr. J?" asked Harley, wiping the sweat from her forehead as she leaned against her hammer.

Joker looked around at the sky. "Guess he really is out without Bats," he murmured, frowning. "Huh. Thought Batsy was too much of a control freak to ever let the kid off the leash. I know I'd never let you out on your own, Harley."

"That's 'cause you always wanna be around to protect me from getting hurt by bad people, right, Mr. J?" she said, beaming. "Because you love me so much you'd just die if anything happened to me, huh?"

"Yeah, that must be it," he replied, casually. "Bats clearly ain't as caring and protective as I am, and look at the result," he sighed, looking down at Robin's body. "Well, we'll just have to teach him a lesson about being too indulgent of the kid. And we can't just leave him lying in the street like this – there are some dangerous people about. We need to take care of him in Batsy's place, and make sure nothing bad happens to him, at least until Bats is there to watch."

He chuckled. "Get him in the car, Harley," he said, climbing back into the front seat.

"Sure, Mr. J, no problem!" said Harley, saluting. She grabbed Robin's arms and dragged him toward the backseat, struggling to lift him in. "Geez, the Boy Wonder could stand to lay off the wonder bread," she muttered.

"Harley, hurry up!" shouted Joker from the front.

"Why don't you get off your lazy ass and give me a hand if you're in so much of a hurry?" snapped Harley.

"What did you say?" demanded Joker, whirling around to glare at her.

"I said…I'll just be a second more, and I love my puddin' lots and lots," she replied, smiling at him.

"That's what I thought," he muttered, turning around again.

Harley got Robin inside finally and slammed the door, then went around to the driver's seat. "Love you, puddin'," she said, beaming.

"Yeah, whatever. Drive the damn car, Harley," he said, reaching for the newspaper.

They drove in silence for a while. "Anything interesting in the paper, puddin'?" she asked.

"Kitty's gone to Egypt with Bruce Wayne," he said. "Thought she was hung up on Bats."

"Well, Selina ain't exactly what I would call a particularly loyal or faithful gal," said Harley, shrugging. "She ain't willing to wait around for a guy if he ain't interested. Not like me, puddin'."

"Tell me about it," muttered Joker. "But maybe that's why Bats is taking some time off. He's upset at losing his gal to another guy, and a rich guy at that. If I were Kitty, I'd make him put a ring on it, and then murder him after he signed the pre-nup. Hell, she's a pretty hard dame, maybe she will. Then Batsy can stop crying in the Batcave and get back to the real important things in life. Why do women always screw things up, Harl?"

"Well, most women don't appreciate what they got, so they always try to get more," said Harley. "But not me, Mr. J. I don't want anyone else but you, not ever. Ain't that terrific?"

"Yeah, sure, Harl," he said, turning the page. "You're an inspiration to the rest of 'em."

Harley beamed. "I am, ain't, I puddin'?" she sighed. "I'm a real role model. Fiercely monogamous. Completely committed to just one guy. Women should look up to me. I dunno why Red and Selina are always saying I'm pathetic."

"Yeah, it's a mystery," he agreed. "Now you wanna shut your useless mouth, you dumb blonde? I'm trying to read."

"Sure thing, Mr. J," sighed Harley, adoringly. And she was silent for the remainder of the journey.


	5. Chapter 5

"You know cats were considered sacred in ancient Egypt," said Selina Kyle, gazing at the statue of Bast, the cat-headed goddess. "No wonder their empire lasted such a long time – they were clearly people with the right idea."

She grinned at Bruce Wayne, who didn't appear to be listening. Selina's face fell. "Bruce?" she asked. "You ok?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, fine, Selina," he murmured, shaking his head. "Just thinking."

"About what?" she asked.

"I haven't heard from Dick today. That's all," he said quietly.

"Bruce, don't forget, it's like 7 hours earlier in the States," said Selina. "He's probably still asleep."

"Yeah, probably," agreed Bruce. "I'm sorry, Selina, I shouldn't be worrying like this. I just can't help it, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know. Look, obviously this place isn't holding your interest, so maybe we should go somewhere else. Check out the pyramids, or…y'know…head back to the hotel," she murmured, kissing him gently.

"Sounds good to me," murmured Bruce, smiling and taking her hand. She smiled back and pulled him toward the exit.

"Selina…wait," he whispered, pulling her back.

"Something wrong?" she asked.

"No. But there's gonna be cameras out there, probably following us all the way back to the hotel."

"You're surprised by that?" she asked, grinning. "I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now. And you can't really expect the paparazzi to resist chasing after Gotham's premiere power couple. We're like catnip to them."

"I don't mind facing them, I just wanted to say something before we do," he murmured, stroking her hair back from her face.

"What?" she asked, puzzled.

"I…I think I…love you," he whispered.

She grinned. "You think?" she repeated. "Well, it's not the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me, Bruce, but then it's not the worst either."

"I mean it," he said.

"You mean that you think that you love me?" she asked, smiling.

"I mean that I love you," he said firmly, gazing at her.

She beamed. "Well, that's more like it," she whispered, kissing him again. "I love you too, Bruce. You know out here, like this, away from Gotham and all its madness, I've actually let myself hope that we can somehow build a life together. If you're willing to let all that go, of course."

Bruce was silent. "I'm gonna need some time, Selina…" he began.

"No rush," she interrupted. "We're gonna take everything nice and slow, Bruce. I think we're worth that."

He kissed her tenderly and they walked out of the tomb together, hand in hand, to be greeted by a swarm of photographers. That didn't seem to matter to either of them – they barely noticed them on the journey back to the hotel. And when they entered their room and shut the door, they shut out the paparazzi with them. And then it seemed like there was only the two of them left in the world, which suited them both fine.

"Just gonna give Dick a quick call," said Bruce, drawing away from Selina gently. "Why don't you go slip into something more comfortable?"

"Bruce, I don't have kids," murmured Selina.

"Yeah…I know," he replied, puzzled.

"So I don't wanna have to keep checking up on the kids. Put the phone away," she said, kissing him. "And pay attention to the cat who's got your tongue."

Bruce returned the kiss, throwing the phone onto the nightstand and pressing her down on the bed. Suddenly, the phone rang. "Ignore it," murmured Selina, pulling him down to her.

"Hang on, it's Dick," he said, gently disentangling himself from her embrace. "I'll just take it quickly."

"Hope that's not how you're gonna take me," muttered Selina, sitting up in annoyance as Bruce answered the phone.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hi Batsy! It's me!" chuckled a terrible voice, a voice Bruce knew. A voice which brought back all the stress and tension and anxiety that he had lost around Selina. And fear, as he realized that Joker must be calling him from Dick's cell phone. Which could only mean Dick was in trouble.

"How did you get this number?" he hissed.

"A little birdie told me," giggled Joker. "He also told me you were taking a little break from the whole Batman gig, which I was really disappointed to hear. I mean, why didn't you tell me first? I think I deserve to know, after all we've been through together, and after all we've meant to each other. Anyway, how're you holding up, buddy? I heard about Kitty and Brucie, that must be tough for you. You feeling ok?"

"Where is Robin?" he demanded.

"Harley's looking after him," he replied. "And you know how sweet and motherly she is. You ain't got nothing to worry about, Bats, though I was surprised you let him out on his own, what with all the weirdos and the crazies around. But he's in safe hands now, never fear."

"If you hurt him…"

"Oh, I wouldn't do that, Bats!" he chuckled. "Well, I suppose I might, if I get bored. Y'know, if I don't have anything else to do to occupy my time. And it does get so boring when you're not around. I might have to find a hobby. I remember torture being pretty fun…I'm on the phone, Harley!" he shouted suddenly, as Bruce heard Harley's voice calling him. "So shut your goddamn face, would ya? Sorry about that, Bats. Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, although I'll guess you'll have to try since Brucie's stolen your gal!" He laughed. "Look, I know you've been having a hard time lately. And maybe I've been a little too rough on you, taunting you about Kitty and stuff, but if it helps, I'm sorry. Can we be BFFs again?"

"Tell me what you want," hissed Bruce.

"What I want? Well, I want you to come back. You just gotta come back, Bats, I miss you! And so does Harley. And Birdie Boy. Course he'll be missing a few other things too if you don't come rescue him, like his fingernails and his eyes and his skin…"

"Mr. J!" came Harley's voice.

"I said I'm on the phone, you dumb broad! Beat it!"

"Who're you talking to?"

"Bats."

"I wanna talk to Bats!"

"Tough. You're supposed to be looking after the Boy Blunder, so get back to doing that."

"He's annoying, Mr. J. I wanna be with you."

"I said I'm talking to Bats!"

"And I said I wanna talk to Bats!"

There was a slight scuffle, and then Harley's voice came through loud and clear. "Hi, Bats! How're you doing? Selina's a real bitch, ain't she? I mean, for a cat. I always thought she …"

There was another scuffle, and some bangings, and Harley shrieking, and then Joker's voice came through again. "Sorry again, Bats, but you know you gotta be rough with dames or they'll leave you. Treat 'em mean and keep 'em keen, that's my motto. But I guess you didn't know that or you would still have your Kitty cat. Next time you see her, you should give her a real good beating. It'll make her come running back, I guarantee it."

"Joker, let Robin go now, or I will find you and and hurt you," hissed Bruce.

Joker giggled. "Yeah, why don't you come do that, Bats? Why don't you pick yourself up outta your cave and come find us? C'mon, it'll be good to get your mind off your troubles! You know, you're a lucky guy, really. When your personal life goes downhill, at least you've always got your career to fall back on. And we'll always be there for you, through thick and thin, forever and ever and ever. Don't that make you wanna smile, Batsy?"

Bruce didn't respond. He couldn't. Fury choked the words in his throat, the words he wanted to shout at Joker – that he was Bruce Wayne, that for once in his life he was happy, and he deserved to be happy, and why was Joker so evil that he just couldn't leave him alone? He didn't want to be locked in this stupid, neverending cycle for the rest of his life. It would drive him mad, as mad as Joker. But maybe that was his plan all along. Maybe that was why Joker kept doing what he did – hoping that he would snap one day and prove Joker's point, that the world was chaos, and everyone in the world was on the funhouse slide into madness. It was ironic that if he kept fighting him, he might go insane and prove Joker's point. But if he didn't, if he let Joker roam free and wreak havoc and mayhem unchecked, he would also prove his point. Either way, Joker would win. And the thought made him furious.

Without another word, he smashed the phone on the ground. "Bruce, what is it?" asked Selina, rushing over to hug him.

He shoved her roughly away. "I'm sorry, Selina," he muttered, as she stared at him, shocked at his violence. "Just…just give me a minute."

He sat down on the bed, running his hands through his hair and trying to get his anger under control. "Joker's got Dick," he murmured at last. "I have to go back. I have to save him."

He stood up firmly in resolution and began packing. Selina still stared at him. "Bruce…" she began.

"I can't just ignore him," he interrupted. "I can't let Dick die. I don't have a choice, Selina. I have to go."

She nodded slowly. "You do have a choice, Bruce," she murmured. "Of course you have to go back and save Dick. But then come back here and never return there. Let somebody else handle crime in Gotham. Give someone else a chance to be the hero. You've done enough."

"I tried letting Dick do that, and look what happened," he muttered. He shook his head. "No, Selina, I'm the only one who can keep these people in line. They know that, and I know that, deep down. I can't escape it. I am Batman, and I always will be. If you love me, you have to love him too. Can you do that, Selina?"

He looked at her steadily and she looked back at him. "I don't know," she murmured. "I…I don't know, Bruce."

He nodded slowly. "Well, we'll talk about this later," he murmured, slamming his suitcase. "I need to borrow your phone to call Alfred and have him send the jet."

"Sure," said Selina, handing him her cell phone. She watched him as he talked on the phone. She did care about him, very deeply. But you couldn't build a life, a real life, with a man who always put murderers and psychopaths before you. A man who always chose someone else because he was so selfless that he sacrificed even his own happiness to do his duty. It was noble, but it made the people close to him feel worthless. Selina couldn't understand why women dreamed of dating heroes. They weren't good relationship material.

He hung up the phone and handed it back to her. "Thanks," he murmured. "I need to head to the airport – I'll see you around."

He turned to go but she caught his hand. "Bruce, when it's over…come back. For me."

She kissed him gently. He gazed back at her tenderly. "I can't promise that, Selina," he murmured. "But I do love you. I'm sorry I can't give you more than that."

He left the room with Selina staring after him.


	6. Chapter 6

"I wonder what's taking Batsy so long," sighed Joker, flipping the knife in his hand. "You think he didn't believe my threat? Maybe he thought it was a joke. That doesn't seem like him, though – he knows I'm always serious about hurting people. Gee, maybe he really is depressed. Too depressed to care about anything or anyone, even you, eh, Birdie? Can't say I blame him – I don't really understand why he keeps you around. Maybe I oughta do him a favor and get rid of you for him. It's the least I can do for my bestest buddy, and I'm sure he'd do the same for me if he was ever a murdering psychopath and holding Harley prisoner."

"That's a scary thought, Mr. J," said Harley, nodding. "Bats completely cracked and holding me hostage. Sounds like the setup for a horror film. Or maybe…y'know…an erotic film, if my big, bad, strong puddin' comes to rescue me and kills the Bat and then leaves me tied up while he has his wicked way with me as a reward…"

"Not now, Harley," snapped Joker, shoving her off him. "We've got Birdie here, and what if Batsy suddenly shows up? It'll be incredibly awkward."

"Thanks, Joker," said Robin, nodding gratefully. "There are some things I just don't ever want to see."

"Thought you wanted to torture him, puddin'," breathed Harley. "And he's just said it would really make him uncomfortable, probably at least as uncomfortable as ripping off his fingernails. C'mon, puddin', please?"

"Well, if I had to choose between the two, obviously I'd prefer watching you two," replied Robin, shrugging. "I mean, I can always close my eyes."

"No, no, he'd definitely prefer getting his fingernails ripped off," said Harley, hastily. "It'd torture him more to watch us. And you can't shut your ears, Birdie Boy, and I'm a really vocal gal. So c'mon, Mr. J, let's make him suffer."

"Yeah, you're probably right," agreed Robin. "I guess fingernails being ripped off really is the lesser of two evils. I guess you'd better get to it."

Harley glared at him. "Don't try that reverse psychology crap with me, pal, I used to be a shrink!" she snapped. "No one wants their fingernails ripped off! That would torture you more than anything else, so Mr. J is gonna…" She paused, her brow furrowing in confusion. "No wait, you're right, it would be more horrible of us to have playtime in front of you, so we should…or…wait…"

"There, there, pumpkin, stop thinking before you hurt yourself," said Joker, patting her head. "How about we compromise? I torture him for a bit to get me in the mood, and then we have playtime and torture him some more. Sounds like a good night, huh, pooh bear?"

"Oooh, yeah, Mr. J!" she giggled. "Sounds like a great night! You know just how to get your Harley girl revving!"

"Now I can't damage you too much before Bats gets here," chuckled Joker, flicking open the switchblade knife. "I want you to still be able to scream when he arrives, so I'll stay away from the face and start with slicing the non-essential nerves. I mean, who really needs feeling in their hands? You may notice a slight unpleasant sensation, followed by an awful lotta pain, but the good news is you'll never feel anything there again! So smile, Birdie Boy! This ain't gonna hurt for much longer!"

He laughed hysterically as he brought the blade toward Robin. "See, Harley, the key to really good torture is like the key to really good sex – don't rush things. Take your time, savor, and enjoy it. Start off slow with a little teasing foreplay. Too much too soon and you cut short the fun," he giggled, slicing little cuts up Robin's arm.

"Uh huh, Mr. J," she breathed, sliding her arms around his neck and rubbing herself against him as she licked his cheek. He held the knife against Robin's wrist and was about to slice, when he suddenly looked up, puzzled.

"Puddin'? What's wrong?" asked Harley.

"Well…Batsy should be here by now," he murmured. "He should have knocked into me and made me drop the knife. He can't let me actually torture the kid – that's not like Bats at all."

He waited a moment more and then shrugged, pressing the blade into Robin's wrist. He drew blood and Robin hissed in pain. "Where is he?!" shouted Joker suddenly, ripping the knife away and looking around angrily. "Why isn't he stopping me?! I've hurt him, and I'll do worse, if he doesn't show up! Why isn't he showing up? What's happened to him?" he demanded, seizing Robin by the hair.

"I told you, he's not Batman anymore," growled Robin.

"But he's gotta be!" shouted Joker. "Or you're gonna die, you little brat! He can't let you die! He's Batman! He don't let people die!"

He held the blade to Robin's throat. "You're lying to me, ain't ya, kid?" he hissed. "Something's happened to Bats, that's why you were patrolling the city without him! He's hurt or something, ain't he? Aw, Jesus, don't tell me he tried something crazy because he was depressed, and now he's in some hospital somewhere?"

"No…he's just…not here," retorted Robin.

"Look, maybe you don't get it, because your Bird-brain is too small to process it, but lemme explain to you how these things work," hissed Joker. "I do something bad, and Bats shows up to stop me. That's how it goes. That's how it's always gone. And now you're telling me that Bats has just decided to…give up? To stop playing the game? Well, he can't do that – I ain't gonna let him. I _am_ gonna torture you, kid, and really horribly too, just to teach him a lesson about being a quitter. Nothing personal, really, although if I'm honest, I think Bats can do so much better in terms of sidekicks. Harley, maybe you can apply once Birdie's dead."

Harley made a face. "No thanks, Mr. J. I wouldn't touch that if somebody paid me, which I imagine he don't. It'd be incredibly dangerous, for one. Imagine being a sidekick to a guy literally everyone wants to kill – the freaks and the crazies would be out for your blood same as his. And it would be really dull, the same routine night after night, stop the bad guys, save the innocent people, yawn, boring. At least you're always spontaneous and unpredictable, Mr. J. And to be honest, Bats is so glum and brooding that I think I'd just have to shake him every once in a while and shout at him to cheer the hell up. Nope, couldn't deal with that headache. And anyway, Bats as my boss could never give me job satisfaction the way you do, puddin'," she breathed, kissing him. "I love my Mr. J too much to ever wanna be underneath another guy," she giggled.

Joker laughed. "Nice gag, toots," he murmured, pinching her cheek. "Well, maybe once you're dead, Boy Blunder, Bats can find himself a nice hot dame to help him get over Kitty, and make her his sidekick. That would make a lot more sense than dragging some kid over the rooftops night after night. All in all, I think it's probably for the best that you don't survive this," he chuckled, bringing the blade up to his face. "So bye bye, Birdie!"

A black shape suddenly flew into Joker, slamming him against the wall.

"Batsy!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "I knew you wouldn't let me torture the kid to death, I just knew it!"

Batman punched Joker mercilessly in response, releasing all his fury on him. "Don't…this…make…you…feel…lots…better…Bats?" gasped Joker, laughing through the pain.

"Leave him alone, B-man!" shrieked Harley, leaping at him. He grabbed her leg in mid-air and sent her hurling into the wall, and then turned back to Joker.

"Go ahead, Bats, beat the crap outta me if it'll make you feel better!" he chuckled, bleeding heavily. "Always happy to help out a friend in need!"

Batman seized him by the collar and lifted him up. "Why are you doing this?!" he demanded.

"Trying to cheer you up!" Joker chuckled. "Put a smile on that grim face of yours! See, I'm not like the catty bitch, Bats - I'm showing you that you don't need to be depressed or miserable because I won't ever leave you! I'll always be here for you, buddy, through thick and thin, and you won't ever be alone! Don't that make you happy?"

"Of course it doesn't!" growled Batman. "I don't want to fight you anymore!"

Joker stared at him. "I'm hurt, Batsy, I don't mind telling you," he murmured. "After all we've been through, after all we've shared, and you wanna end it? Well, that's tough, Bats. I ain't the kinda guy who takes getting dumped very well, and I'll make everyone close to you suffer for it. You wouldn't want that on your conscience, would you, Bats? Besides, if you don't fight me, I win. You can't let me win, can you, Bats? It's just not in your nature."

"I know what you're doing," hissed Batman. "You're trying to drive me crazy, but it's not going to work! I don't want to fight you anymore, but you're right, I won't let you win! Not ever!"

Joker giggled again. "But Batsy, think about it," he chuckled. "I _have_ won! You won't ever be able to stop me, unless you really go crazy and kill me! And then I'd still win, see? There's nothing you can do to beat me! Absolutely nothing!"

"Batman, look out…" began Robin.

But Harley had slammed her hammer into his skull, making Batman drop Joker and reel backward. Harley hit him again, knocking him to the ground. Joker laughed hysterically, patting Harley on the head and approaching Batman.

"So tell me, Bats," he murmured, standing over him and grinning. "How does it feel to lose? Your gal, your war, your mind? How does it feel to lose everything?"

"He hasn't lost," growled a voice. And suddenly a whip wrapped around Joker's waist, dragging him back. "Well, he hasn't lost one of those things anyway," said Catwoman, stepping into the room and smiling.

"Selina…you came back," murmured Batman, struggling to his feet.

"You gave up rich boy for Bats?" exclaimed Harley, staring at Catwoman in astonishment. "Are you crazy?!"

"If I were the pot, I wouldn't talk to this particular kettle," retorted Catwoman.

Harley glared at her and shrugged. "I guess it is kinda romantic when you think about it, huh, Mr. J?" she sighed. "Choosing the man she really loves over wealth and fame?"

"Yeah, pooh, nothing nicer than seeing two loving hearts reunited," said Joker, grinning. "I just love happy endings. Well, I can see my work here is done, so we'd better be on our way, pumpkin pie. See ya around, folks!"

He strode from the room, whistling, as Harley followed after him. Batman suddenly seized him and slammed his face into the wall. "Worth a try!" Joker chuckled, before Batman punched him again, knocking him unconscious.

"Puddin'!" shrieked Harley, throwing herself on his body. "Aw, my poor, sweet, innocent puddin', what have you ever done to deserve that? Don't touch me, you catty bitch!" she snapped as Catwoman dragged her to her feet. "Hurting Batsy like that by going off with some rich hunk – you oughta be ashamed of yourself!"

Batman went over to untie Robin. "Are you all right?" he asked.

Robin nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for coming back."

"There wasn't a choice," muttered Batman. "Can you take Quinn to the car?"

He nodded again. "C'mon, Zippy, let's go," he muttered, grabbing her arm.

"Hey, you wanna handle Mr. J's merchandise with a little more care or it won't be funny, get me, Birdie Boy?" snapped Harley as he dragged her out of the room, leaving Catwoman and Batman alone with the unconscious Joker.

"You didn't have to come back," murmured Batman.

"I know. I wanted to, though," she said, quietly.

"So what does that mean?" he asked.

She smiled. "It means I love Batman," she murmured. "As well as Bruce Wayne. What a dilemma for a gal."

"Dilemma? Why?" asked Batman.

"Because I can't have both of you," whispered Catwoman, sadly. "I don't really think I can have either of you. I mean, now that I've proved my love to Batman, I can't be with Bruce Wayne again, or Joker will figure out they're the same person. He's bound to eventually if we keep our relationship up. It's too dangerous for both of us to continue on with it. And he won't ever give up," she murmured, glaring down at Joker's body in hatred. "And you won't ever kill him. So I'm sorry, Bruce, but we can't be together."

Batman didn't respond. "I mean, you know that, right?" asked Catwoman, gently. "Deep down inside, you can't really be committed to anyone else besides Batman. And let's face it, no girl wants to be second to a guy in a flying rodent costume. Well, except Harley, I guess, but she's crazy," she said, smiling.

Batman didn't smile. "Why are we letting our fear of him ruin our lives?" he muttered, looking down at Joker.

"It's not just him," murmured Catwoman. "You have a lotta enemies, Bruce. If they knew your secret, it wouldn't just be dangerous for you, but for everyone you care about. Alfred, Dick, and…me. Could you live with yourself putting them in danger?"

Batman slowly shook his head. "No," he murmured. "No, a hero could never do that."

"And that's who you are, Bruce," murmured Catwoman. "My hero. I'm sorry you can't be anything else."

She drew close and kissed him gently. "But I'll always love my hero," she murmured, touching his face tenderly.

Batman shut his eyes and kissed her again. Then she drew away and went to the window, leaping out without another word.

He stared after her for a few minutes, then turned his attention back to Joker's body. He lifted it up and carried it downstairs to the Batmobile, where Robin was waiting in the front seat with Harley secured in the backseat.

"Give him to me!" cried Harley, holding out her hands desperately. Batman obeyed her, lying the body in the backseat as Harley pulled his head into her lap and began stroking back his hair. "Oh, puddin'," she breathed, kissing his forehead. "Oh, puddin', I love you so much."

Batman watched the tender display for a moment, then went to the driver's seat. He started the engine and they drove in silence.

"Quinn," he murmured at last.

"What?" snapped Harley.

"He puts you in constant danger," said Batman. "By being in a relationship with him you're always at risk, from me, from other criminals, from the police…so why do you do it?"

Harley snorted. "Dumb question, Bats. Because I love him. Duh."

"But he's a selfish monster," retorted Batman. "If he really loved you, he wouldn't do that to you. He wouldn't make you suffer. He'd let you go. So why do you stay with him?"

Harley shrugged. "I love him," she repeated. "I don't think I can make it any plainer than that. If you love someone, really love someone, they're worth all that, the danger and the suffering and everything else. I mean, it's either that or live without them. And you'd have to be crazy to do that. I ain't crazy, Bats."

"Well, you are on your way to an asylum," reminded Robin.

Harley shrugged again. "They're the crazy ones, not us," she retorted. "The doctors, the guards, the people who just don't understand. People like you, Bats. Puddin' and me, we're happy. And that's more than can be said for the rest of you losers."

She kissed Joker again tenderly. "I love you, my angel," she whispered.

Robin sighed, twirling a finger around his temple and smiling at Batman. Batman didn't smile. He wasn't in the habit of smiling, and he certainly didn't feel like doing it now.

For one brief moment, as he dropped Joker and Harley off at the asylum, he wondered if he shouldn't be in there too. If he really was crazy, to give up a wonderful woman like Selina to fight insane criminals and uphold justice in Gotham. But in his heart he knew he couldn't do anything else.

"Where to now, Bruce?" asked Robin as they climbed back into the Batmobile.

"The Batcave," murmured Batman, starting up the engine. "Alfred will be expecting us."

He suddenly looked up and noticed the Bat-signal cutting through the night sky, shining brightly against the clouds.

"Change of plans," he muttered, turning the car around.

"Bruce, you know you don't have to…" began Robin.

"I do," he interrupted. "I do," he repeated, quietly. "I have to go where I'm needed. That's what a hero does. And I'm Batman, Gotham's hero. I can't be anything else."

Robin nodded slowly. "Well, for what it's worth," he said at last. "Gotham's really lucky to have you."

Batman didn't respond. He kept his eyes fixed on the road and on the signal, trying to block out everything else but Batman. That was who he was. That was who he always had to be. There was no other choice.

**The End**


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